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Performance Performance. Performance cookies are used to understand and analyze the key performance indexes of the website which helps in delivering a better user experience for the visitors. Kaylin died on November 21, in NYC, the day before she was set to fly home. For good. One of the last things she texted me was "I'm in trouble It was the voice I heard eight years prior, when she called while I was in line at Best Buy picking up season four of The Office. Kaylin was crying and googling "ewing sarcoma survival rate" when I got home.
I was only 19, I didn't know what to say and I was too afraid I'd say the wrong thing. So I made a joke about our mom's cat that was staring at us. We both laughed and then we watched The Office. This call wasn't all that different than that first one. With the first call, she was only 23 and I thought she was going to die. With the last call, she was 31 and I knew. Our parents and I tried to get to New York as soon as we could, but it wasn't fast enough. We're all very grateful that she had her friends with her at the hospital.
She was far from alone. One of her closest friends called me, our dad, and our mom and left his phone to Kaylin's ear so that we could each say goodbye. We have no idea if she could hear us or if she knew what was happening, but it meant a lot. We spent the next couple of days packing up Kaylin's apartment.
Ice flew back with me and he's enjoying his new forever home at our mom's. I still try to pet and speak to him in the very particular way Kaylin always did. It seems like all of this just happened a couple months ago.
In reality, so much has happened in this past year that I've wanted to talk to Kaylin about, both good and bad. I got laid off the day after her funeral.
I found a great new job that I'm really happy with. I got my first tattoo on what would've been Kaylin's 32nd birthday , a copy of the spade she had on her wrist. We lost an uncle, very unexpectedly. The most difficult one was probably when I got engaged this summer. Kaylin was the first person I told, and while she thought promise rings were kind of dumb, she was so happy for me. I'm sad that she's not here to help me plan my wedding, which she was really excited about doing one day.
I'm sad she's not going to be there when I try on wedding dresses so she can tell me what's ugly I'm just being realistic. I'm sad about a lot of things. I imagine I will be for a long time, especially as I hit these adulting milestones that Kaylin was always so excited about or proud of. I've harbored a lot of guilt for not posting on here sooner.
Kaylin explicitly asked me to continue posting for her. However, as I was looking through some of her writings to post today, I realized that she also asked me to do so when I'm ready. Considering I've only just recently stopped crying myself to sleep every night, I feel like she would be understanding. I do apologize to you all, though.
I promise future posts won't detail my experiences; rather, this will be where I feature Kaylin's writing and artwork, as she intended. Apparently, I just had a year's worth of grief that I needed to articulate. I find relief knowing Kaylin's not in pain anymore. I wish we could have seen her one last time, but she had to let go. And that's okay. Wednesday, November 16, The headline of a new paper article published last month: "Discovery of peculiar periodic spectral modulations in a small fraction of solar type stars.
So I think it's finally time to say I'm dying, really-- I'm moving back to CA on the 22nd to be with family. I can no longer even get up on my own anymore so being alone in this apartment is pointless.
There is no more that they can do for me as far as radiation or palliative chemo-- it's spread throughout my bone marrow at this point. I'm just done and I have to wait to die and I don't know how long that will take. I'm so sad it's happening so soon. It seems like every day and week my body gets worse so much faster. And I have so much within me that I wish I could get out. So much. There is just no time. I have writing on my phone that I hope my sister will someday share-- favorite movies or music that have been so important to me.
I'm bedridden mostly. I would like to post more. I will try for more. I love you all. Friday, September 30,
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